So Long To My 20 Somethings.

I’m so grateful to see the age of 30! I can’t believe it’s already here and I’m trying really hard to forget when my 7-year-old self once thought 30 was ancient. My twenties comprised a looooooong decade full of laughter, joy, tears, failures, victories, blessings, and lessons. Today I’m sharing the best of my twenties featuring 30 things I’ve learned in 30 years. I hope what I’ve learned can help you as much as it’s helped me. Here goes:

1. Love is an action. It’s also a relative term. Someone can truly love you, but still refuse to or be unable to show you in a way you need or desire to be shown. Never apologize for requesting and expecting to receive the kind of love you need and want—even if that means leaving a relationship and waiting for what’s right for you. Through the years, some have labeled me as mean, cut-throat, and even unforgiving, but guess what. I can genuinely say that I don’t have any relationships that rob me of my peace, joy, or sanity. Forgiveness is not the equivalent of continued relationship. Don’t just do what feels good. Do what is healthy.

 

2. Sometimes people can only operate as a function of their limited experience on what is possible or likely. That is not your problem. Never allow anyone to tell you that you can’t or you won’t. What’s impossible to them can very much so still happen for you!

 

3. Childish Gambino = Donald Glover = Guy from “Atlanta”

 

4. My parents were right about life. It’s not always black and white. In fact, it’s usually grey. Parents do not have a special handbook that tells them how to be parents. They make the best decisions they can based on what they know and have. My parents are my backbone and I love them dearly.

 

5. You can totally get around learning to do a full face of make-up and still get that “dewy glow” by simply applying two products: tinted moisturizer & concealer.

 

6. God’s plan for my life will always rule and reign, even when I try to work my way around it lol. I cannot outsmart God. I also cannot hear a “no” from God, try to get others to co-sign my plan, and think everything will actually work out. Delay is not fun. Failure feels awful. But oh, the benefits of God’s favor and perfect timing! I always get more than what I could ever imagine or dream with God’s plan. The path to get that “more” is often very arduous and painful, which is why I resist it. I have to relax and know that I may not always see the next step, but God will always keep me from falling…even if He does not show up until the very last second {which happens VERY often in my life! more on that later}

 

7. I am dope. Period. Confidence is not the equivalent of arrogance. I do not have to shrink myself to make other people feel comfortable.

 

8. People will always have their opinions of me. Any suggested changes are optional.

 

9. I do not always have to share what I am thinking. Sometimes it really is ok to just agree to disagree without verbalizing that’s what I’m actually doing.

 

10. People make time for what they want to make time for. Period. “I am busy” simply means “I have things other than you that are more important to me.” And that’s ok. People are allowed to say that to you and you are allowed to respond in the way that makes you feel comfortable. I usually respond by reprioritizing my priorities.

 

11. Standardized exams say absolutely nothing about me as a person, a student, or a future physician. They are formalities. A to-do that must be checked off before moving to the next level. They are also biased because they are normed {how a test determines what you should know} on affluent white people. Persons of color will always be at a disadvantage when it comes to these exams. “Do your best, An and forget the rest!” Major shout out to all the people of color who still rise to the occasion and pass these tests despite the unfairness behind them!

 

12. College is one of the best times in YO LIFE!! You have one foot in the real adult world and one foot out. You get to live on your own, write your own rules, and still have the safety net of your parents, scholarships, and financial aid. ENJOY IT! Do not rush it. If you are not doing well academically, get that situated, but STILL ENJOY IT. I was so bent out of shape about my science courses that I did not really take the time to stop and smell the roses. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good time, Okurrrrr! However, sometimes I wonder how much more fun I could have had if I relaxed a little and rested with the fact that med school would happen when it was time to happen.

 

13. The city of Atlanta did a huge disservice to me by ending Freaknik before I had a chance to enjoy it. When my family and I moved to Georgia, I learned about Freaknik on tv. I just knew I was gonna go to Spelman and be hanging out of a car each spring break in Hot-lanta! I was 7😂It ended in 1999, 7 years before I had my chance. Let’s pour one out for Freaknik.

 

14. I do not have to live my life in a box. I am going to be a physician, but I love so many other things as well: fashion, traveling, blogging, natural hair, you name it! It’s ok to engage all of my interests all at once. I do not have to walk around rehearsing cases, physical exam practices, and diagnostic criteria 24/7. Being balanced and well-rounded makes me a better {future} physician!

 

15. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. Some people are simply meant to help you get from one level to another and then you part ways. That’s ok. There are mentors who truly helped me get from here to there at different stages in my life. At the new stage, they suddenly became unresponsive. I thought perhaps I had done something wrong. Not so. Get {and give!} as much as you can from a mentorship experience. If it lasts forever, great! If it doesn’t, there is someone else who will come along, see your value, and stick with you during your next phase. That goes for romantic relationships and friendships as well. Shout out to the mentors who have been rockin with me since the 99’s and 2000’s!

 

16. Showering with the lights off and a Bath & Body Works 3 wick candle lit?? LIT. Heavenly. Try it and thank me later!

 

17. Beyonce can do anything.

 

18. I am socially awkward and it’s an imperfect perfection! I do not have to apologize for who I am, not even my quirks. I have worked really hard to control my facial expressions, tone, and word choice when speaking to others. As long as I continue to work on those things, my idiosyncrasies will not hinder me. Shout out to all the introverts, non-socialites, and awkward black girls! I think we’re hilariously endearing.

 

19. Do things when you’re ready, not when you’re “supposed to.” It is becoming less and less popular to get married and start a family super young. Sure, I want to do those things, but I want it to be right. I value my joy and my peace, so I cannot rush into anything. Yes, it can be disheartening to see so many of my peers getting married and having children, but it’s not my season for that. And that’s ok. I’m a firm believer that women especially should live alone before getting married and having a family. Pay your own bills. Fend for yourself. Spend time alone. Find out what makes you tick. Get a true sense of self. Travel. Live your life. Right now, I love nothing more than sitting in my perfect apartment, on my tiny one-seater couch, wrapped in my fave blanket and working on my blog! Seriously it’s my happy place.

 

20. It’s important to acknowledge things you need. I grew up in a large family: both parents, my grandparents, 3 brothers, me, and my Aunt who visited frequently all in one house. I realized at a young age that I need alone time each day. Even if only for 30 minutes, it allows me to re-center, focus on the next day’s to-do list {y’all know my Type A tail has a daily to-do list on my phone!}, and just be alone in my own thoughts.

 

21. The Bible really is a dope read, especially the New Testament. Pretty much any question you have about life can be answered in the Good Book. I often find myself reading through certain chapters and getting excited when I see things that are commonly discussed in church and Bible Study. Like “oh…that really is in there!” As if it wouldn’t be. Ha! Read the Word and you’ll get so many answers. If it gets a little mundane, turn on some worship music as you read or switch to a different chapter as the Holy Spirit leads you. *preaching to myself here now.

 

22. Some people will always make excuses and allowances for racism. If you cannot reach them, pray for them. Arguing will only make you get upset and further question the state of humanity, which already gets a major side eye. I personally believe that one of the many reasons conversations on race get heated is because the term “white privilege” often pops up. When taken out of context, many believe this term to mean “you did not work hard for this.” Awakened individuals understand this is not the case. White privilege simply means that in addition to working hard, you do not also have to first disalarm people with regard to your blackness or otherness. You do not first have to explain you name, hair, or dialect before they see your qualifications, credentials, creativity, and humanity. Make significant contributions to your community and educate those willing to listen. I have chosen to combat racial disparities by becoming the best physician I can be and serving as yet another health care practitioner who can be trusted in our communities.

 

23. Romantic relationships that disappoint you are a blessing. I’ve had guys tell me things like “I am not ready for you,” “I do not deserve you,” and “You are not like other women at all” {darn straight!}. Allow people to say goodbye to you when they feel like {or you feel like} it’s time to say goodbye. Don’t try to change anyone’s mind or shrink yourself just to make someone feel worthy of you. The one for you will get ready, will be good enough, will appreciate, desire, and respect your difference. Allow people to eliminate themselves so you can get to what’s real. Take the lessons from those relationships and apply them going forward. What’s meant to be will be. You should have a peace with whomever you end up with. No peace? No piece! In the words of Deacon C. Breezy, “you’ll regret the day when I find another *booooooyyyy yeaaaa.” I’m kidding. {I’m fo real!}

 

24. Deal with your grief. Deal with your emotions. Don’t suppress them. Get it out and get assistance when you need it. Seriously talking to myself here. There is nothing wrong with seeing a psychiatrist or therapist. We go for wellness check-ups without any stigma. Why not mental health check-ups as well? Especially within the black community, let’s stop stigmatizing mental health care.

 

25. Have a career and a hustle. Learn a trade. You never know when job security won’t be so secure. If every ailment in the human body is cured tomorrow, I may be out of a career. However, black women will always want their hair did! Okurrrrr!

 

26. Amazing work ethic >>>>>>>Natural academic prowess

 

27. I don’t have to go out in order to have a good time. It’s just not where I am anymore. I would rather stay in on the weekend and study or work on my blog than to be at a party or club. That does not make me lame. It makes me me. I had my clubbing phase back in college and throughout my early twenties. Around age 25, the thought of standing in lines, wearing shoes I can’t walk in, stumbling on cobblestone at 1am, and wearing a freakum dress I can’t breathe in suddenly became less appealing. Now, I prefer to stay in or spend time with my closest family and friends. Not whack. Evolved.

 

28. Coupons = the spice of life! Always try to buy with a coupon, deal, or sale. Try to avoid paying full price for things. So many clothing brands, for example, offer at least 10% off for students! Inquire. The savings really do add up.

 

29. My Dad really is a genius for deciding to, during our childhood, tell me and my bros we could not watch tv until 7pm each day. He told each of us to pick an instrument and a sport. Instead of chillaxing each day after school, we were expected to practice our craft. We still had to maintain great grades, so oftentimes, tv was relegated to the weekends. My Dad used to work for FedEx and was in control of his lunch break times. During the summers, he always came home at a different time each day just to ensure we were doing what we were supposed to do! Growing up, we thought he was nuts, but boy did his discipline pay off! I thought it was all about being good at piano and tennis. What his rule really taught me was time management, work ethic, discipline, and hard work. My Dad set a standard and as an adult, I have definitely reached for those lessons. I was conditioned to be a hard worker who does not give up just because things are difficult; one who does not get overwhelmed because I have multiple responsibilities all at once; one who does not get easily distracted because focus has been the name of my game! My Dad taught me to be hardcore! I see the same characteristics in my brothers and I absolutely plan to have the same rule with my future children.

 

30. It’s ok if you don’t have it all together by 30. I repeat: it’s OK if you don’t have it all together by 30. I’m not sure where the notion that 30 is the age came from, but I no longer ascribe to that. I once did. No more. We are all ever evolving, ever changing. So in all honesty, what does “having it all together” really look like? I’ll have the career. I’ll have the house. I’ll have the family. After that, there will still be more to aspire to. Instead of trying to have it all right now, I’ve decided to be a good steward of what I have achieved and work my heinie off to succeed in my other desires. When those achievements will take place? God’s plan. He’s still unfolding and revealing. I don’t get all the answers at once. And that’s ok.

In a nutshell, these are some of the most important things I’ve learned, folks! I don’t have all the answers. I’m only 30. I’m only beginning. I can’t wait to see what this decade has in store! So long to my twenty-somethings.

xoxo,

Anya

Photos by Leidy Beltran