SIGECAPS: Sleep (changes). Interest (loss). Guilt. Energy (lack). Concentration (reduced). Appetite (decreased). Psychomotor agitation/retardation. Suicidal ideations. SIGECAPS. The characteristics for depression. That’s the acronym I learned during my 2nd Year of med school, observed during 3rd Year, and applied during my most tumultuous years. Application is the point of learning all this, right? I suppose I just did not expect to make the application in my own life. 2nd year of medical school was the most trying, exhausting, and painful time in my young adulthood. There were so many things that hit me unexpectedly; all at once and then in a snowball effect. As soon as I thought the bad news had ceased, there was yet another major issue I had to address. Not only did I fail STEP I repeatedly, but I was ultimately dismissed from my school. More on that…All about that here.
Depression symptoms set in hard as I started to check a few characteristics on the list—decreased sleep, lack of energy, severely reduced concentration, decreased appetite. Ever the responsible med student, I went to a psychiatrist for help and evaluation. Her continued question: “What do you want me to do to help you?” She asked me at least 5 times. I was so pissed. No coping mechanisms. No mental health evaluation. Nothing I had learned during my Psych rotation. Just “what do you want me to do?” She ended up telling me that I was indeed depressed, but not enough to be medicated. You see, a diagnosis for major depressive disorder requires at least 5 symptoms. I only had 4. So basically I had to just deal. I was in between. Kinda depressed, but not enough to garner significant help and attention.
I had reached the point where I would sit down to study and just begin to cry. It was so hard for me to concentrate and to feel like everything I was experiencing would actually work out. Hardly anything anyone said truly resonated with me. I guess people really did not know what to tell me. When people began to say things like, “Well maybe this isn’t for you, “Just get it done,” or “You’ll be alright,” I felt even worse off, even more ostracized, even more alone. I felt so alone that I eventually just decided to keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself. During that time, I went to a friend’s house after school just so I could be around someone. While he worked, I laid on his couch to try to rest. The whole time, I’m sure he thought was asleep. I was actually crying quietly into the sofa.
There are so many stresses you can face in medical school. High stakes exams. Mastering a ton of information in a few sittings. Managing student debt (I mean how many people actually go straight from undergrad to med school these days?) Living off and trying to stretch those refund checks in accordance with limited student budgets. Applying for a multitude of scholarships to subsidize those refund checks. Trying to ensure your relationships aren’t 100% neglected. Maintaining a balance between staying healthy and sacrificing sleep to get the studying done. Working and networking to ensure you have a job afterwards. Fitting in research and publications. Finding time to do something outside of school you enjoy. And that’s just the normal stuff. Compile all of that with the seeming dissolution of some of your dreams and goals and it’s not a wonder when depression becomes a reality.
No medication. No resonating words from loved ones who meant well. Not even messages at church were helping. I got tired of hearing about the promises of God that were going to take place. I wanted to see them actually manifest! So I had a decision to make. I could either function in the midst of my depression and work my butt off so I could become a physician who deals in diagnosing and healing, or I could sink further into my depression and become the diagnosis. I prayed. I fasted. I pleaded with God to fix things. I tried to shift my perspective. Each day I woke up and thought of three things I was grateful for and three positive things I expected to happen throughout the day. I stopped expecting people to know what to say to help me especially since I did not know what would help. I stopped discussing my problems with anyone who had responded to me dismissively. I got out of the house a bit more. I made more time for blogging. I started going to Bible Study again. I surrounded myself with family members who make me laugh. I began to believe things would get better. I began seeing a therapist to get everything out and to get the coping mechanisms I needed. Y’all. *Let’s stop stigmatizing therapy especially in the black community*. Even further, I began to say aloud exactly what I wanted to happen, believing that it would manifest. I practiced positive affirmations each morning, speaking to God about I expected to see. THAT is when Real Change started happening. “Your words have power” is not a cliche. It’s Truth. It’s Fact. It’s Bible: Proverbs 18:21. I did all of these things as a matter of trial and error, but they each worked in their very own way. As a result, I was able to manage the symptoms I did have and try to ward off the others. And ya know what? I fought my way back into school and FINISHED!!
I am in such a better place now. God has truly shown up and shown out and every single thing I spoke aloud has indeed taken place. I just want to encourage anyone who is reading this. It gets better. I repeat: It gets better. If you experience symptoms of depression, but like me, are in between and left to kind of figure it out, know that you can and you will. Simple lifestyle changes like scheduling a self-care day, taking a break from work/study, or daily practices like giving yourself three compliments a day really do make a difference. Speaking LIFE really does help change your perspective. And if you can generate more positive thoughts on the inside, they can absolutely translate into lived reality on the outside. Also, consider seeing a therapist. It helps to get perspective from an outside entity. Some schools offer counseling resources too, but I knew I needed a safe space where I could keep my student status and personal life separate. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time. And most importantly, don’t you ever give up. You seriously can do anything. Know that you have a cheerleader in me.
xoxo,
Photos by Tina Smith
