Living Single.

Quite honestly one of the best decisions I’ve ever made! I know it’s customary for so many women to go from living with parents to living with roommates to living with a significant other. I can’t help but wonder if anything is missed by never living alone. My friend Tina and I had this discussion and she encouraged me to write a blog post. So here goes…

When I finally achieved my long time dream of getting into medical school, I already knew that my next move was to move out! I had been living with my parents five years post-undergrad while I worked to finish two Masters degree programs. Moving back in with the parentals after experiencing a little  a lot of freedom and my own dorm room in college? Very difficult! And not for the obvious reasons: I could no longer come and go without telling someone, I had to share my food, my Dad still felt like I needed a 12am curfew! The reason I had to go surrounded the growth and development I knew the experience would procure. Self-sufficiency and individual problem solving are skills—are gifts—that help me walk through life every single day. I don’t personally think I would have developed these skills to the level I have if I had never lived alone. Also, as a young woman at the age of 27, I wanted to have that time in my life where I just did it on my own—as much as possible (my parents still helped me when I really need it). I wanted to have the time when I pay my own bills, cook for just myself, watch TV when I want to, sit in silence when I want to, take up every single inch of the closet, furnish my home solely the way I want, sprawl out over the entire bed, re-watch the same exact show on Netflix for months at a time, study until 8pm and not even think about dinner until 9pm, and simply spend time alone to figure out exactly what I like and what makes me tick. And for the past several years, that’s precisely what I’ve been doing…and more.

It did not take me long to find my dream apartment right in Midtown. As soon as I saw the closet, it was a done deal! Not even exaggerating! I’m in love with my place. I’d buy it if I could, but it’s not that type of building. Literally right in the middle of everything, I can make it to the hospital in 7 minutes and down to Ponce City Market in 5. I can walk to the grocery store for food and run walk the Beltline to boot! And then there’s the rooftop view! I literally could not ask for a better place and I’m so grateful that one day I will be able to tell my future children about the amazing experiences I had living in major cities like Boston, Atlanta, New York, and even an island—Martha’s Vineyard—for a stint of time.

Children. A family. More reasons I wanted to live alone first. Particularly in the south, it is overwhelmingly popular to marry and start a family at a young age; to go straight from your parents’ home to a home with your significant other turned spouse. And of course, it’s very common to live with your significant other before marriage. Why that trend was not for me? There’s just so much to experience in between. Nothing wrong with growing and building with someone else, but I also love the idea of first growing and building oneself. Travel. Mission trips. Education. Certification. Career building. Time alone with God. Living alone has allowed me to dedicate pretty much all of my time to these endeavors. I  have lived. I won’t have to worry about missed opportunity because I have absolutely had my time. This is not to say anyone who does not have the living single experience is more prone to resent his or her family. I am simply speaking about my experience and what I needed.

I have received a few comments here and there saying I wasted money by living alone when I could have just lived with my parents during med school and even thereafter. My response? No experience is a waste of money. I’ll continue to have the savings. I’ll continue to pay off my student debt. But this time living alone and pouring into myself before I one day have a husband and children? Priceless. There is no feeling like walking into my apartment and knowing the space is 100% mine oh mine! I can dictate the mood, the temperament, the vibe. I can say who stays and who goes. I can protect the joy and peace that live here. I can just…be. I intentionally gave myself time to enjoy and define what peace and joy feel and look like to Me. Correlating these states of being with an experience instead of a specific person has allowed me to walk away from some pretty unhealthy situations. To me, settling down should never be synonymous with settling.

My reason for writing this post is not to speak negatively about other lifestyles, but simply to provide a different perspective. I don’t think we as a society talk about this enough—about a woman having SIGNIFICANT alone time before settling down. It’s usually all about a man “sowing his wild oats” and having his bachelor pad season while we as women actively search and pray, hoping to find one who is fully capable and ready to transition. Ladies, what are we sowing? Who ever encourages us to have that selfish season? The complexities of wifehood, motherhood, BOSShood, work/life balance, mommy guilt, all the hats we wear are all so vast. Spending a few years living alone—no roomies, no bae—burning 3 different scents of Bath & Body Works candles at a time, watching Moesha til no end, NOT hiding all those Amazon packages…sounds pretty good to me! It’s been pretty good to me.

I always encourage women to think about the flip side of the coin. Think about what it might look like to go against the grain. If you truly can make it work for your finances (not trying to get anyone in deep water, here!) spend some of those formative years alone. Those friends who wanted you to move in will still be there. That relationship will still be there (if they are for you!) And Sis, not living with him will help you think even clearer about the relationship, spot red flags, and act accordingly. I could have been married twice over by now, but those relationships were not for me. Living in my own space only helped me process and act more efficiently. It’s more than ok to pour into and nurture yourself before you attempt to do so for others. It’s a beautiful thing to focus on your dreams before deciding to merge space, finances, and assets. It is OK for women to simply Live Single. It’s honestly been the least lonely time of my life. I have learned to lean on God and myself and when I am around others, it’s by choice. I cherish it all the more. And for the single ladies who may struggle with the idea of living alone or who are not single by choice, my advice is this: Live. It. Up. Find what you love to do and DO IT! Even if it’s a small hobby, just enjoy! From what I hear, once you have a family…life gets real. Take the time to enjoy your time.

Living Single. It’s a 2020 kind of world. I’m glad I have…the very best version of me.

xoxo,

Photos by Tina Smith