Living Single Part 2

So. I was asked to write a companion piece to my initial blog post entitled Living Single. My focus in that piece was to convey the importance of a woman living completely alone, managing her own household, and really just dealing with self before settling down. The ask for this piece was for me to discuss how I have lived out my Singleness; what I’ve done to make it a season I actually enjoy and do not try to rush away. I thought that was a really great idea because there is just so much you can do and accomplish all by yo-self! No one season looks alike. Everyone’s experiences are different. I wanted to give y’all insight into mine and hopefully inspiration to enjoy exactly where You are! Let’s get into it:

I’ve focused on my career. And I mean HARD. I always knew I wanted to leave a legacy outside of my married identity. Again, it is beautiful to build ideas, businesses, and wealth with someone else. It is also beautiful to do it by yourself and be PROUD of it. You can enter into a relationship and/or marriage fully established and then build upon THAT…if ya want to! It took me 14 years post-secondary school, but I finally achieved my dream of becoming a Medical Doctor. There are sacrifices I specifically had to make that made me glad I was single. There were also lows I endured that I would not have wanted to put my Huz and kids through. I am really glad I got this stage of training out of the way as a Single. I also built the hell out of Surgery And The City. I have a long way to go, but I have also come very far. I could not have played Russian Roulette with my rent—LOL I’m so for Real—to spend funds building the blog if I had a whole family depending on me to contribute. I started working with dream brands I thought would take way longer to engage with me in paid collaborations. Mind Blown! I think it’s kinda cool I’ve been able to do that even without the Influencer Husband so many of my contemporaries have. Don’t get me wrong. I’m very much so excited to one day have one! Just not rushing it.

I’ve traveled and gone on mission trips. All the U.S. cities I love. And then Ghana. Haiti. For work. For fun. For conferences. For presentations. For research. For the blog. I’ve traveled. And many times completely alone! There’s just something about getting on a plane and saying “Let’s go!” just because you want to. Just because you can. I know many who are afraid to travel by themselves. I say do it anyway. Plan that trip. Take that scenic drive. And don’t wait for anyone to be ready to go with you. See the world and see it often…wait for the pandemic to cool down first though. 

I’ve spent time with God. God and I have been through some THANGS. Disagreements, arguments, failed silent treatments. You name it. My alone time has been a gift in that it let me sit at the feet of The Father without (more) distractions. I know His voice more. I have a better sense of when He’s leading and guiding. That came (and continues to grow) with uninterrupted time in prayer, reading the Bible, worshipping to gospel music, and simply talking to Him. Having a better understanding of who God is in my life and feeling like I’m in tune with His leading (most days) gives me a sense of peace and joy that nothing and no one else can provide me. 

I started going to therapy. There was/is a lot of unlearning, learning, and relearning I’ve had to do. Part of that work has been achieved in therapy. I found a Black female therapist who really helped me through my STEP 1 debacle and several other things I felt may be a hindrance to my personal growth and development. I know life will never be perfect, but I want to make a conscious effort to be my best self for me before trying to be my best self for someone else. 

I’ve filled some of my free time with complete frivolity. The art of doing nothing IS something. Watching Sister Sister on Netflix and crying during my fave episodes. Burning 3 different candles from 3 different Black-owned brands…at the same time. Surfing the internet for my next lewk. Trying a new recipe that’s not salad-related. Filling my home with the scent of pumpkin bread in the oven. Reading any kind of leisure book (post-med school) I want. I can’t tell ya how many Friday nights I look forward to getting a cheat meal and chillaxing at the crib. I think this pandemic especially has shown that people really do not like being alone. I mean I’ve seen so many out and about willing to literally risk their lives on a deadly virus just so they don’t have to stay home. So many don’t like the silence of it all. But let me tell you spending significant time alone, having a chance to acknowledge what I love and what I don’t…has really helped me filter out the BS and not be afraid to let go of people and situations that no longer serve me. What’s the worst that can happen? Another Friday night by myself? I look forward to those! HA! Alone time is healthy and it is NOT the equivalent of being lonely.

I’ve dated. I haven’t spent all my time alone, y’all! I spent time getting acquainted with my deal makers and deal breakers. Trial and error really did assist me here. There are times when I was disappointed, but there have also been times when I was truly enlightened. I learned what kind of communication styles I like, what offends me, how to handle disagreements, how to be intentional, and how I can change to contribute to healthier communication. I became more self-aware and learned how I can better contribute to a healthy relationship. I also got in better touch with my feelings. Even as a woman, I am not always the best at acknowledging how I feel and sharing that with others—especially feelings of affection. Real G status. I was pretty much surrounded by boys growing up, so maybe there’s something to that. Ha! Especially for relationships’ sake, I had to address and improve in that area of my life. Lastly, I was forced to learn how to forgive. No. I mean truly forgive—a skill I know will serve me and keep me free for the rest of my life. 

I’ve volunteered. I love a good passion project! Truly I do. There are so many opportunities out there to volunteer your time and make a difference. I have really enjoyed staying engaged at my home church. Working with our youth programs has been my fave! We have a pipeline program that helps prepare high school juniors and seniors both academically and spiritually for their post-secondary school plans. It has been so dope to share with them what I wish I had known at their age and to learn so much from them as well. There has been a break since the pandemic, but I am hoping we can get back to it soon!

I’ve spent time with my family and friends! Nothing like a Sunday on the couch with my Mom shoveling in reality TV, laughs with the bros, reassuring talks with my Dad, hilarious conversations with my Auntie, relaxation sessions with my favorite cousins, and dinner with my besties! I love spending time with my people and doing my part in staying connected.

And there you have it: ways in which I’ve lived out my singleness. Emphasis on the LIVE, not on the single part. I’ve seen so many women judge their life progress by their relationship status. Sis, you are so much MORE. And you have so much to accomplish in the meantime. I really hope this blog post provides some inspiration on all the many ways you can enjoy your time. People sometimes joke with me and ask when I’ll settle down, but the truth of the matter is I really do like my life the way it is. I like the freedom of it all—living like a hippie/nomadic camel with the ability to do things like move to an island for a dope opportunity out of the blue…just because I want to. Just because I can. I know one day I will have my Huz and kids because I’ve already decided it’s going to happen and God agreed + confirmed. I’m just not going to rush my time. Neither should you, Sis (or bruh if you’re reading!)

So chin up and get going. It’s Friday and you have an empire to build…or a really delicious bowl of pho and endless episodes of Girlfriends to watch!

xx,

Photos by Tina Smith