#AlmostDidn’tMD Part 2

For the past year and a few months, there have been many questions about my residency placement and next steps. Where are you going? What’s your specialty? When will you share? Why haven’t you said anything yet? When’s the big announcement?

For those who ask these types of questions of newly minted Docs or anyone making a career transition, please consider something: DON’T. Allow people to share their news in their own time. Consider there is not yet news to share. Please especially make this consideration on days like Match Day. And for those on the receiving end of these questions, know that just like me, you don’t have to answer ANYTHING until YOU’RE ready. Change the subject. Get off the phone. Reply later or not at all. Take care of yourselves.

I wanted to write this piece as a companion piece to #AlmostDidn’tMD. Gosh, I cannot even believe it’s been almost a year since I’ve released that post and accompanying video. I am finally ready to talk about the subsequent phase of my journey as a physician. Here goes…

I applied to residency last year when I was in my final stage of medical school. I DID NOT GET ONE INTERVIEW. Yes, you read that right. You see, I had an awful time with STEP 1 and a very low score when I did finally pass. Once I resumed my 3^rd year, there was indeed a learning curve and it took me time to rebuild my confidence. I faltered on 3 of my shelf exams. Yes, 3. I had stopped studying the way my test-taking strategist taught me; convinced that with my new rotation hours I simply did not have the time to complete that lengthy process daily. I soon learned I had better figure it out as balancing work + study would absolutely be a long-term reality in residency.

So there I was at the top of my 4^th year with: a delayed schedule (I still had one 3^rd year rotation to take July – August), 3 failed attempts at STEP 1 with a low passing score, no STEP 2 score to offset anything, and 3 shelf exams to retake. And y’all, one of the shelf exams was OB/GYN—the subject matter I felt most confident about and…my field of choice. Talk about some mountains to climb. BUT I had already seen God do the impossible and I was not about to stop believing.

My STEP 2 exam was originally scheduled for September and the fear of God was placed in me that I had better pass on my first try. Because of the initial date scheduled, I went ahead and applied to residency—mostly OB/GYN programs and a few Family Medicine. Still, I needed time to review and study for my shelf retakes. I had to do my due diligence with these or else I would be repeating those 3^rd year rotations. For me, that was not an option. Not at all. With all I had already been through, I made up my mind about one thing at the beginning of 4^th year and that was the ONLY thing of which I was sure: I was graduating in May 2020 so I could get the hell out of that school, and, ultimately, restore my peace of mind.

Graduating. THAT is what took priority over all else. I kept pushing my STEP 2 exam back to enhance my shelf exam prep for that very reason. For my first shelf exam retake, my laptop mouse stopped working close to the middle of the test. I would just sit there unable to answer questions and unable to move forward or backward while the time kept ticking. This issue happened more and more frequently as the test went on. I told the proctor what was going on. She saw me literally place my hands over my face and put my head down in great fear that I would fail this exam. She reassured me she would communicate what happened to the course program director.

She did not. My test score came back as a fail. Do you know the SAPP committee came knocking on my email inbox again? They put me on academic probation and told me to wait for next steps. I made it very clear to the program director and to SAPP exactly what happened…on a school-based laptop…students are required to use for all exams. They behaved as though I said nothing. They did not consider what I shared at all. That’s the thing with students who struggle academically. Sometimes, others come to view it as commonplace and don’t think twice when a failed exam occurs. “Of course, Anya failed. We told her she would based on STEP 1.”

NO. They tried to make me retake that 12 week course, y’all. I emailed and cc’d. I emailed and cc’d some more. I was not giving in. Why? Because the decision was unjust and because I had already decided I was graduating. They finally let me retake the exam with a properly functioning mouse. ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELVES AT ALL TIMES!!! However, that deal came with a mandatory additional 4 week study period. Which meant what for STEP 2? Pushed back again.

I passed that shelf exam. What do ya know?! I passed the 2^nd retake. I passed the 3^rd. Strategy. That’s all it was. The knowledge was there. I committed to working my test-taking strategist’s program for every single exam going forward, no matter how much time it took me daily. I was definitely hard on myself for even trying to switch up what clearly worked. I decided to do my OB retake last because it made sense with the flow of reviewing information for all 3 exams. It made sense for ensuring I graduated, but that decision did not make sense for ensuring I matched.

You see, the OB/GYN department at my school refused to provide any residency letters of recommendation for me until I passed the shelf. Cool. Understandable 100%. I ended up meeting with two members of the OB department several times over the course of 3^rd and 4^th year. They knew my interests. They were also aware of my past test-taking issues. By the time I passed their exam, it was November. Interview season was well underway and I had not heard anything from anyone. I mean the academic portion of my application looked crazy. However, I still wanted to at least do my due diligence to salvage my application if I could. I thought perhaps I could land a preliminary position since prelim positions tend to interview later in the season. I had letters from obstetricians who trained in Family Medicine and I had a letter from a surgeon. But those letters were not OB/GYN department letters. One department member told me in June they would provide my letters once I passed the shelf and they could assess me completely. You can imagine my excitement once I passed the exam and the urgency with which I scheduled a meeting to get those letters uploaded as soon as possible. I honestly thought the letters were waiting in the wings, PDF version and all, just ready for that click of the submit button.

I was wrong. I was so wrong. I was thrown for a complete loop when those I asked for letters asked me to send them my CV…again. I had sent it to them before on more than one account. I realized nothing had been written on my behalf. Not one word. In our final meeting together, they said they did not like my final shelf score and could not vouch for me. They did not want to answer to their colleagues should I end up in a program and not perform well. I was floored. What happened to “pass the exam and we will provide the letters”? My score was not high enough? I passed. And they knew I had never been a stellar test-taker. I had worked really hard, though, to learn how to pass the exams. The knowledge base was always there. It’s the exam-taking technique that was trick for me. They said they did not want to speak to my 3^rd year clinical performance. The only way they would write me letters was if I did a 4^th year rotation with them—one that would not fit in my schedule if I was to study for and take STEP 2 that year. And even if I had done their rotation, it would have meant another month before they MAYBE decided to write letters for me. Interview season would definitely be over by then.

Another well-established doctor later on told me every decision they made about my letters was complete BS, that is not how you treat students, and they absolutely could have spoken to my clinical performance…if they wanted to. Adding insult to injury, these doctors said they could not tell from my CV that I was interested in Women’s Health. I had “done so much.” I’m sorry, when is having a lengthy and productive CV a bad thing? And I counted. There were 9 Women’s Health-related experiences on my CV at that time, including a publication where I was third author. Their assistant had marked up my CV, telling me how to improve it, as if that was some consolation prize. If you ask me, these doctors didn’t read my CV. They skimmed it because they had already made up their minds about me. How else do you miss 9 experiences? They also told me not to take STEP 2 that year. Based on my shelf performance, they thought I would fail. They did not extend to me the courtesy residency interview to which all students from the school have access. That one was hard for even my Mom to forgive. And she’s all love and light with everybody. Even more, these very same doctors supported students who passed STEP 1—which is a basic sciences exam and is about to become Pass/Fail—but failed STEP 2 repeatedly—a clinical-based exam. These same students—who matched in 2020, mind you—ended up having to ask ME for advice on how to pass STEP 2 while receiving all the support in the world from the OB/GYN department. Ain’t that something? I helped, of course, because I knew God would bless me and bring me full circle. But that day after THAT meeting?

I cried. I felt so low. By the time the meeting was over, I was already late for Pediatrics didactics. I emailed the course director. I decided not to even go. I did not want to cry in front of my classmates. I went home, cried it out, and as always:

I regrouped. “Anya, you have passed STEP 1. You have passed all your shelf exams and 3^rd year rotations.” Most importantly, I did not have to retake an 8 week rotation with OB/GYN—the most toxic student experience at our school (to the residents and Attendings who actually taught and encouraged students, thank you). In that sense, I was free. Again, I was graduating. That’s what mattered. I tried meeting with the OB/GYN Department Chair to see if I could at least get a chair letter to accompany my Family Medicine and Surgery letters. No go. He said all he does in his letters is write the final grade and how many times a student takes the shelf exam. Mine was automatically a C. Not because I performed poorly on my in-house exams. Not because I performed poorly in a clinical setting. But because I had to retake a standardized test. I just want y’all to understand how bad things were. The Chair said he could write me a letter, but it would not be impressive.

No letters from the OB/GYN department, y’all…at the school I attended and where I paid tuition. NONE. Can you imagine how awful that looked (in addition to the rest of my academic profile) to residency programs? I began to focus on what I could: pass STEP 2. I was now focused solely on this exam and on doing the exact things my test-taking strategist had taught me for STEP 1. I also studied weekly with an Internal Medicine Attending who was a God-sent. Not only did he pay for all his students’ practice exams—every single one available, literally handing us cash—but he also got me to see I could NOT keep delaying my exam. By November, I had delayed at least 4 times. I was studying and making my way through my review process, but my practice tests still were not passing. I went to God. As clear as day, He gave me a date: December 17, 2020. I will never forget it. And my STEP 2 CS exam was already scheduled for December 2, 2020.

DO YOU KNOW GOD MADE IT SO I PASSED BOTH OF THEM ON MY VERY FIRST TRY?! GLORRRRRRAY!!! It turns out the number I was seeing on my practice exams had been indicative of a pass all along (some scale they use). I guess my Attending didn’t want to tell me so I was not overzealous. On the real exam, I even saw some EXACT repeats from practice exams. Literally word for word. All God. Take EVERY NBME practice test you can, y’all. This was it. January 2020 was my moment; my retribution. I had finally completed all requirements necessary (outside of 4^th year rotations—which have no tests!) to graduate. I had accomplished my goal of the year.

January. My test scores came back in January. It was definitely the end of interview season by then. That year, I did not have my STEP 2 score in time to offset my STEP 1 and shelf exams. As a result, I did not have a job lined up like the rest of my peers. During interview season, one program reached out to say I may get an interview for an OB/GYN preliminary position. A month later they reached back out to basically say never mind. Without any interviews the entire season, I prayed and believed I would find a program in the SOAP process. Through this process, unmatched students can apply to programs with openings.

Nothing happened. I got to the point where I applied to just about every specialty. I joined a Facebook groups with listings. I signed up for the Find a Resident membership. No program said yes. Not one from March until August when I stopped looking and contended with the fact that I would have to reapply. I know God was smiling and looking on saying, “She had faith though!”

Selfishly, I was glad there was no Match Day that year. On faith, I had participated in the class video and turned in a PowerPoint slide with my cutesy baby photos and everything. I had been believing for a positive SOAP result. My Mom even planned to come back from her work trip in Canada for Match Day. Why? Faith.

On came corona and the world shut down. I did not get my huge graduation day ceremony, but I still rejoiced!! I had accomplished my goal. I had graduated and gotten the hell out of that school. Still, it was hard to see my classmates on social media celebrate and get ready for their new jobs, especially when I did not have anything lined up. Everything I applied to seemed to say no. I was starting to get behind on bills, so I took a call center job. Yep, Dr. Anya Bazzell, MD, MPH, MS worked in a Kaiser Permanente call center (from my home set-up) for 3 months post-medical school.

Can you imagine? Scheduling patients for appointments while simultaneously diagnosing their conditions (in your head) because you’re actually a doctor? I told people who asked that I worked for a health insurance company while I figured out my next step, which was true. I just did not share in what capacity. You don’t have to share everything and open yourself up to comments, questions, and critique, y’all.

I felt lower than low. I wanted to disappear. I had anxiety attacks. It was all too much. Sometimes I would have to mute the phone so I could cry without the patients hearing me while I looked up their appointments. I was angry with God while still doing my best to trust Him. It’s a tumultuous relationship we’ve had. He’s never let go of my hand, though. In my experience, God will keep me from what’s customary so He can introduce me to what’s extraordinary. I’m trying to be better at keeping that in mind during hard times.

One day He told me clear as day: “Honor this job and I will honor you.” Almost instantly, I actually tried to commit to a good attitude. I was healthy. No one in my family was harmed by the pandemic. My bills were paid, although very marginally. God was still good to me. Patients told me almost every day how kind and patient and helpful I was and thanked me for being so. God was cultivating my character even more in preparation for my calling as a doctor. Literally just a few weeks after I changed my heart posture, I received a phone call about a job opportunity with the CDC Foundation.

God honored his promise. After 3 months working for the call center, I got the job of a lifetime (paying 2 and 3 times the amount of other jobs to which I applied) and moved to Martha’s Vineyard. And y’all, this job was right on time because I needed to reapply to residency and my call center job would not cover the cost. I received my first check the week programs could view applications. I cannot make this stuff up. Programs could view applications Wednesday. I got paid Friday and my apps were IN. Thank you, Lord for your Perfect timing. I also started making significantly more money with my blog which was a major blessing.

This time around, I applied to more Family Medicine programs and OB/GYN. For OB/GYN, I did not even bother contacting the department at my former (hallelujah!) school. Just like the second time I applied to med school, I wanted some fresh eyes on me. I still had my Surgery and Family Medicine letters. I got an OB/GYN letter from a doctor at my home church and even from one I met on IG. By Any Means Necessary!! I thank them so much for taking a chance on me! I asked the Dean of my school for a letter since she knew my story and thought enough of me to reverse the school dismissal. Also, she trained as an OB/GYN. She said she doesn’t write letters…but she does make phone calls. Come on, somebody!! She never confirmed whether she did or not, but whatever took place, I am beyond grateful for her support.

Based on my academic profile, I was told to aim for 4 interviews. God granted me 8. The year of Double Favor, honey! The first interview I received was for a Family Medicine program in Massachusetts, the state of my birth. There I was, living in MA for the third time in 3 decades and my first interview was there. Talk about full circle. I was beyond excited, especially after a season of receiving no interviews at all. In fact, I received most of my interviews in the Northeast. I think it was because they saw I was on the Vineyard during my gap year and thought I may have an interest in staying close by.

The Family Medicine interviews were great! I was beyond grateful. Still, I held out for an OB/GYN opportunity. And I got it. Just one. My interview presence was ON!! I had my Zoom set up ready to go for each encounter. Also, me and my bank account were so grateful to interview during a pandemic when applicants were not expected to travel (and accrue every expense) to each location for the usual in-person interviews. I was poised. I was confident. I was sure. Even a former classmate of mine who was on one of the interview sessions with me texted to say so. I felt good. I was in my element, talking the talk about my love for Women’s Health and selling myself as a future Grade A resident. I want y’all to know you can appear and BE confident even after gut-wrenching failure(s). And you know what?

I matched. I matched into Family Medicine and I am just so proud of what I have accomplished. I really wanted OB/GYN, but God knows what He’s doing. I cried HARD on Monday when I found out that I matched and all the more on today when I found out where I matched. Because I have a public page, I won’t be sharing the exact name of the program so I can maintain a modicum of privacy. Know that I am so excited about my placement!

The entire year, God sustained me and allowed me to earn significantly more than those who went on to residency right after med school. And I got to do that on notably one of the MOST BEAUTIFUL ISLANDS IN THESE UNITED STATES!! Like what?! Who gets to live like that?! All God. All His Favor. I can’t take any credit.

I am off to my dream job y’all. Another dream job. Because let’s be honest. I was definitely living the dream this past year. I share all of this because there is someone reading who has a very non-traditional path and who thinks it’s time to throw in the towel. DON’T. You just don’t know what God has in store for you next. And to those whose lives do follow traditional paths, please watch your words. In fact, just pray. The person you’re about to judge and discourage is on the brink of the Extraordinary. Cheer them on and respect their shine.

None of the above was in my plan. But it all led to me being right here in this very moment exactly where I am meant to be. It all led to me sharing yet another testimony with all of you. A few years ago, the SAPP committee at my alma mater voted to dismiss me and did so because they decided: 1) I would never pass my STEP exams, 2) I would never pass my shelf exams, 3) I would never graduate, and 4) I would never match. I have done ALL of those things. What in your life will you allow God to decide? My answer? Everything.

I’m so excited for the next part of my journey and y’all know I will be taking you with me and keeping it real all along the way. Again, I take full responsibility for the mistakes I made and the exams I faltered along the way. But I also take full credit for bossing up, never throwing in the towel, learning how to improve, and getting it all done. And I say that with my chest!! Thank you forever for encouraging me the way y’all do. #AlmostDidn’tMD…BUT THEN I DID!!!

ONWARD!

xx,