“I love New York.” It’s plastered on almost every t-shirt, tea cup, and key chain you’ll find within a 5 mile radius of Times Square. How many of us have donned that statement or drunk from it on a coffee mug after experiencing a thrilling trip to the Big Apple? How many of us have said, “I love New York” without once living here, working here, or otherwise experiencing the day to day of the concrete jungle? Before moving here, I was definitely on the “I love New York” train. I had no idea that feeling would ever change, but it did. Visiting New York is NOT the same as living in New York.
For those who do not know, residency training is required to practice medicine as a full-fledged physician in the United States. You apply to programs and go on interviews. You rank the programs and the programs rank you. Then the Match system goes through its algorithm and spits out a literal match between you and one of the programs that interviewed you. Some get their first choice. Some get their 2nd, 3rd, 4th…or even further down the line. And while it is amazingly exciting to know you accomplished your goal of matching and to know you are going to be a doctor (!!!), it can be incredibly jarring to uproot your life and move to an entirely new situation just so you can train. I’ve seen families separated. I’ve seen couples forced into difficult conversations and decisions. I’ve seen colleagues leave older parents who are in need. I’ve seen doctors remain hush-mouthed about all of this because after years of working, crying, and praying, how dare we even murmur words that could be deemed as ungrateful…especially when we know so many who did not match to begin with. The Match system is beyond antiquated and needs to change. I digress…
For years, I said I wanted to move to New York. After undergrad, I tried my best to get myself back to the Northeast for grad school and then for med school. Nothing worked…until now. I would be remiss if I did not mention those years of wanting to move to NYC were in my 20’s—before I cared about home equity, true comfort and stability, and these knees during the winter. Ha! God gave me what I ultimately wanted, but in His timing. Now that I am 33 and yearning for comfort and stability, I. AM. STRUGGLING. Let me explain:
First and foremost, NYC is dirty as hell, y’all. Some way, somehow, I never noticed it before. What can you really notice on 2-3 day trips to see your grandparents as a child/teen? It’s mostly a Manhattan issue as most buildings do not use trash shoots. And guess where I live. The trash cans are literally right on the street and there aren’t enough garbage days in the world to keep waste from piling up outside of the bins. I’m not sure if I even remember what the sight of a closed garbage can in a garage looks like. The smell is awful. The pet owners allowing their animals to use the bathroom all over the place—to the point where you have to look down when you walk—is awful. Seeing your surroundings look like that on a daily basis cannot be healthy. To me at least, it’s truly is depressing. As someone who takes great pride in my home and in my surroundings, it’s been tough.
During the summer, it feels like the heat is set on hell. The tall buildings and the concrete make the temperatures smoldering. The heat this summer beat any Atlanta summer I’ve ever experienced hands down. I was literally drenched in sweat walking to and from work on the daily, so much so that I developed a rash under my bra line. TMI, but I need y’all to understand. The heat broke just a couple weeks ago. It’s October, y’all. And the majority of buildings? No central air. I have no idea how that’s even possible. It’s 2021. Upgrade for goodness sake. Everything is also unnecessarily expensive here and for no reason!! What are we really paying for when the city doesn’t even keep the streets clean? I do not know how or why people put up with it (people who have the means for options – I realize I am speaking from a place of financial privilege here). The rent is astronomical for these ridiculously tiny units. And far too many landlords are not suitably responsive despite receiving those rent checks in on time! I am used to having a team, a well-oiled conglomerate managing an apartment complex. I am used to them responding to requests within 24 hours and actually caring about the renter’s experience. Not here in NYC, though. Uber and Lyft prices are also noticeably more expensive. The food? Gone are the days of $10 and below for a meal. So many say that living in New York means paying for the experience. Chile, I’m a resident. I am experiencing the forewalls of the hospital, my textbooks, and my clinic. I am in a unique position where I do not get to explore NYC every single weekend after I slug back to my apartment post-12 hour shift and go to bed just so I can get up at 4:30am the next morning to do it again. I am paying for the experience of my training which will always be a top investment, but still.
And y’all, so many pretend NYC is this liberal, hippie dippie, free-loving, anti-racism work-generating state. Please understand this: It’s Not. Never in my life have I seen so many pointed and continuous incidents of racism toward Black folk. And I say that as someone who grew up primarily in Marietta, Georgia. Y’all, it’s overt and covert all up and through this concrete racist jungle. I have witnessed nurses calling into question whether or not a Black patient was actually assaulted by a police officer when he indeed was. A group of nurses once excused a white patient and her family for harassing my Black postpartum patient. Doctors are ordering drug tests left and right for Black folk when there are no indications, but refuse to order meds to address their pain. Medical teams are calling the police on Black patients and accusing them of smoking crack or trespassing and I have to convince them not to. White patients and medical staff stare at my badge all day long as if they’re wondering if the physician tag is a typo. Prior to coming to NYC, I spent my years in medical school at an HBCU. I did not have to worry about these things there. It was in no way perfect. Y’all have already heard those stories. But at the very least, I did not have to worry (nearly as often) about someone being racist and crazy toward my Black patients. I did not have to worry about white liberals (not all, but many) saying “Black lives matter” in one breath and explaining away their biases in another. I did not have to worry about white liberals wreaking havoc on Black communities, patting themselves on the back for even being there, and posing in the street on bended knee for their “protests.” I am a learner. I am a new physician. Trying to learn under these circumstances while feeling like the Black NYC patient population is on my back is hard, y’all. It’s hard.
Yet even with all of these nuances, people flock to New York City by the millions. Literally 1.632 million people live in the borough of Manhattan alone. No wonder there is a trash problem. So many boast NYC is the greatest city in the world. But it’s hard for me to feel that way anymore as I realize I have already experienced my greatest—Atlanta. I have lived in a city where it’s clean (at a minimum!), where I can get so much house for the money I spend, where I don’t have to break the bank to have a great meal, where I see more Blackity Black Black Black people in real and influential positions of power as opposed to (problematic) white liberals making decisions for Black communities, where I can drive my car and not worry about paying for/finding parking, where I can live in close proximity to my parents, where I can breathe fresh air, where I can…breathe. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath since I moved here; trying to make it work, trying to force myself to love New York the way I thought I did in my 20s. All in all, it comes down to this: I’ve changed my mind. Now it’s time to exhale as I realize I may not love New York. I tolerate New York. I like New York. I enjoy visiting New York. I use New York for the opportunities provided. And for now, maybe that’s enough.
Yes, I experienced great excitement in moving here. Yes, I have my NYC faves and my favorite places to shoot. Yes, I explore the city as much as possible and try to make my experience enjoyable. I am grateful to have matched. It was nothing short of an act of GOD. God is still on the throne and knows what He’s doing and I wholeheartedly believe He has me here for a reason. Still, there are days when I simply want to return to my happy place: home. Perhaps not to my perfect apartment in Atlanta, but definitely to the perfect condos across the street. While y’all see me prancing all over NYC acting like it’s mine, I wanted to also ensure I share my truth. Any other residents contending with your new locale, you are not alone. I am struggling. And while I am committed to making this opportunity work and I am going to complete my 3 year training, I have realized…I may not love New York. And for now—on this temporary leg of my journey—that will have to be ok.
xx,
Photos by Dadou Studios
Preset by Tina Smith
I appreciate you’re perspective no place is perfect but the racism you’re discussing seems to be more specific to the healthcare system and not the city as a whole. We all know racism is literally built into the healthcare system and the pandemic has shed even more light on these inequalities. I say all that to say there is a unique aspect of NYC with the diversity of the communities and the boroughs. I’m sure it’s tough being a resident and not having time but Manhattan and the hospital are far cry from the real NYC. Give it time and check out all Harlem, Brooklyn and even Queens have to offer.
Author
In my experience, it’s not just healthcare. Way too many liberals give themselves too much credit while missing their huge blind spots. That extends beyond the hospital. But yes, definitely will experience more of the city as time permits.
P H E W! Wow! Not all up and through this racist concrete jungle…… my goodness. Just tell us how you really feel. Hang in there Dr. Bazzell. God has you on assignment. Continue to take time out for self care!
Author
Thank you M!! We got this!! Love you!!!
I always appreciate the realness in your blogs! Thank you for sharing…that concrete racist jungle … what an analogy! Glad to know we’ll be seeing you in GA after residency 😁 Also, while reading this I could definitely hear your voice! Miss you!
Author
Thank you so much for always reading along Friend!! I so appreciate you!! I will definitely see you soon! Miss you too!
I’m going through a bit of this myself right now. My husband and I lived in my dream city — Nashville — for a few years. I was happier there than anywhere. We left a decade ago, and while my “we have to move back to Nashville!” frenzy hasn’t changed, I have to admit that the city has changed a lot, for the worse. The population has skyrocketed, the housing prices are ridiculous, it’s the home of millions of tacky tourists, and the politics aren’t exactly progressive. Hubs and I are considering some big life changes, and I’m forced to consider if I actually want to move back to my “dream city” or if it’s merely a construct of my own imagination.
Best of luck to you. I love visiting NYC, but I don’t think I could live there! Thanks, as always, for such realistic posts!
Author
Oh wow❤️🙏🏾I totally understand. It can be really hard to let go and reconsider what you thought you really wanted. Praying you and your husband make the best move for yourselves! Thanks so much for your well wishes and thank you always for reading along!!❤️❤️❤️
This resonated with me sooo much!! I moved to nyc for med school from Salt Lake city. I was miserable the first 2 years and felt like I couldn’t enjoy the city . You got this! 🥰Find your people and your places. For me it is Central Park, the Brooklyn bridge park, and Dumbo.
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❤️❤️❤️Thank you so much for encouraging me!! It’s not been easy, but I know I can do this. Exploring when I can has definitely helped. Thank you for your recommendations!!
I love to visit NYC I’m only across the water in NJ. NY is congested and expensive just thinking of the number 1.6 is a lot. I’m so sorry to hear what you have to endure daily. However I’m glad you are there to advocate for the disenfranchised. stay strong which I know you will! It will be over before you know it Dr! You inspire us and glad to see more of us in the space.
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Thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words!! I so appreciate you!! Yes! This is temporary and I get to help others as I go along. God is good!!❤️❤️❤️
Dr. Big Girl,
Make your mark and come back home! 🥰☺️
Love and miss you!
Author
Love and miss you too!! I so look forward to that day!💙💙💙
Your perspective is always so refreshing. I think people find it easier to only share the good in their experience. Like it’s uncomfortable to have the real conversations about the bad and the ugly along with that good. I appreciate you giving it all!
Working in a hospital in a predominantly white, elderly area in TX, I completely understand where you’re coming from about the looks at the badge. It’s like, yes I am supposed to be here and no I don’t have a mop!
You stay the course! God put there for this exact experience and for NYC to experience YOU! You keep calling out that racism in the hospital and in the city. Always rooting for you sis!
Author
Olivia thank you SO MUCH for seeing me!! I so appreciate you!! Know that I see you too❤️I agree it’s much easier to show the glitz and glam and leave out the real. But I never want anyone to ever feel alone. Let’s keep showing them what a Doctor looks like. I’m proud of you. Rooting for you. We shall keep right on going💪🏾
As a Caribbean immigrant in the US, NY (apart from Florida) is viewed as a home away from home. (I suppose for many immigrants that’s the case). Anyway, after attending Spelman , I moved to NY and I hated it and I try not to use that word a lot. Admittedly, it probably didn’t help that I moved there during winter. Anyway, despite the fact I have a lot of close family there and had visited before numerous times, I didn’t enjoy living there. Fast forward some years, I decided to give NY another chance, during Spring that time. The racism, the grimy-ness, the crowdedness, the expense. I knew without a doubt then that NY was not for me. The different season helped but not much. Years after, I was based there as a flight attendant, commuting from Atl. Being based there for work, confirmed for me that while NY is somewhere I enjoy visiting, I have absolutely no desire to live there.
Author
I feel you Jenissa! Living here definitely hits different. It’s a lot and the city is so glamorized that many don’t know the everyday of it. Thank you for affirming my experience. Means more than you’ll ever know. Blessings to you!!💗💗💗
I love that you shared this. I am an American living in London, and experiencing very similar feelings. We always dreamed of living overseas, but like NYC, it’s huge, dirty, and everything is so expensive. A pandemic really didn’t help. I know no city is perfect, but I am really looking forward to being back home next year! I can appreciate the good times and experience of London, while also acknowledging what I miss back home!
Author
Thank you so much for reading along!! Thank you for sharing with me! So many do not share the truth about these cities. I hope you get home safely and enjoy every part of your journey! You got this!!
This is such a blessing. I just moved to LA- a God move- and ugh it’s dirty, expensive for no reason, and we’ll, a lot of things… but GOD. So thanks for the reminder. We take what we need from the places God place us!
Thanks!! Praying for you!
Author
I’m so so glad it resonated!! You got this! And thank you for letting me know I’m not alone. God’s Got You!! “My times are in Your hands” – Psalm 31:15 Praying for you too!!