It’s Holiday Time. I’m Neither Pregnant Nor Engaged. Let’s Discuss.

Is it just me or is everyone engaged and/or pregnant…again? It’s holiday time and the announcements are announcing. There is just something about this time of year that has bellies popping and good boyfriends shopping. I love and like every single post because you just don’t know what people go through to get there. I also love to see others happy. Still, with every heart I press, I can’t help but feel a little isolated. The routine questioning for this season, just like every holiday season past, has already begun. You know the ones:

Do you have a boyfriend yet?

Well when do you plan to settle down?

Oh wow, you need to make a decision about having children soon, don’t you?

I don’t mind a general and basic inquiry from family and friends, but people who barely know me or don’t know me at all? Deep, invasive questions? Folks very rarely ask these questions as early or as frequently with young men. If they did, maybe there would be more parity in relationship preparedness by sex and age and Black women would not comprise 41.8% of women who don’t marry by age 35. Understand this: I will never settle just to say I have someone. Isolated or not, I will not bring children into an unhealthy relationship just to say I had kids. I cannot. I will not. *To me, it’s unfair to the tiny humans. Red flags are red for a reason. I realize a lot of people did rush and settle. I don’t want that to be my testimony. That is not my portion.

I was just having this conversation with my little brother and I’ve gotta say I’m incredibly glad I did not settle down in my 20s. At least here in the south, it is very commonplace to get married right out of college and start having children. And while that route absolutely favors the reproductive path for most women, I knew that was not the choice for me. I’m so grateful I’ve been able to make ridiculous sacrifices for my career, complete my education and training, play Russian roulette with my rent money to grow my business, and travel for EVERY single opportunity I wanted without having to consider, inconvenience, or stress out an entire family. I wouldn’t be here in Atlanta on this amazing away rotation if I had a whole family back in New York to think about. I’ve been able to do ME my entire adulthood and, my God, have I benefited from it. None of my brothers are married either and while my parents are grappling for grandchildren, there’s something to be said for taking those formative adult years and focusing on Self. I wouldn’t change my decision not to settle or settle down (there’s a difference) for anything. I promise y’all that. Speaking very honestly, I could have been married at least 3 times over by now. To protect the innocent (or not so innocent), let’s move on lol.

Now when it comes to my education and training, I’m almost completely done with a capital D. Since I am so close to accomplishing this decades long feat, I do more often wonder will it happen for me? I live in New York where men have so many options and it is hard for many even in my age group to focus on one person. I’m returning to Atlanta where so many men are either on the down low or the lowdown. I’m older than a lot of my peers currently in residency because of how long it took me to get here. A lot of these young cats are either boo’d up or still trying to play. I’ve scoped out and researched all 5 Black ones I’ve seen at my teaching hospital. Ha! There’s the Black men who only date white folks 👀. Ooooo chile, lemme leave that one alone! And then there’s the church ninjas. CHILLLLLLLLLE. Going to church does not make you godly. Since we last spoke here, I did go on one date. And it left Everything to be desired.

So where am I supposed to find this mystical, magical creature? WHERE?! My brother suggested not too long ago that I have to date differently and consider status when I do so. He let it slip that because of xyz, he does not have to make the same considerations. That tells me so much about what some men think. I cannot speak for all Black men because I am not one and because I have only experienced but so many. I will, however, say this: after centuries of being called boy, a lot of Black men want to feel and be regarded as men especially at home. And some men in general are simply uncomfortable with a woman earning more money, having more degrees, having more titles, and fostering more entrepreneurship than them. No matter how accommodating, humble, and submissive a woman is, for some men the discomfort is still there. The ideology behind gender roles, submission, and the like is even more nuanced in Black relationships because of societal norms that place great stress on Black love–norms that have been norming since the time of slavery; norms that so many other communities do not have to think about. And if you are wondering, I am not open to dating outside of my race for reasons we have already discussed.

It’s often said of women that we like a project. (Not me. My name is not Barbara, the Builder). But sistas, y’all aren’t the only ones. A lot of men like to be with someone for whom they can help upgrade status and financial wellness. What about the women who are already established? I am a young Black woman with four degrees including an MD, a successful business I created and manage, a solid relationship with God, an incredibly supportive family, a home I am about to purchase, true joy and peace deep down on the inside of me, edges that are intact, a smile that lights up your heart, a kind and gracious spirit, therapy sessions in my back pocket, good insurance, no children, no debt (outside of student loans that will be forgiven in 7 years), a work ethic that gets me anywhere I want to be, and I wear my real face outside. I am not a project. There is always room for increase and mobility, but I am not a project. I don’t need to be saved. Jesus already did that. For some, that is a problem. For some, that is not appealing. @signedblake very recently had a similar conversation on her IG stories and she shared this Twitter thread. It’s thought-provoking and heartbreaking at the very same time.

Y’all, my co-residents want me to go on Love is Blind. Between my facial expressions, low BS threshold, and proclivity toward asking “What floor did Bruh man live on?” just so I can assess what you look like, I’d never last lol. Trust me when I say I’m not jealous of anyone’s situation. I learned a long time ago not to assume all is fine and dandy in someone else’s household. So many covet and what you could be coveting is mess. Still, I’d be lying if I said I’ve never thought about marriage not happening for me. I believe my words and faith have Power. I believe God will grant me all the desires of my heart as He has with everything else, but my mind has gone there: Anya Bazzell, the old lady with all them ca—Y’all, I don’t even like cats. At all.

I’m so happy with where I am in life. Truly, I am. I am so incredibly blessed and everything I’ve aspired to be I AM. I’m proud of who I am. I’m proud of where I am. I’m proud of my decision to use my 20s and early 30s to set up my life. And while you can absolutely do that with a partner, I chose not to because it wasn’t my time and because that wasn’t the partner. I’m allowed to say that. As a woman, I’m allowed to have those selfish years too. I’m allowed to make decisions that benefit just…Me. Truly no regrets. And now I’ll just have to look to the Janet Jacksons, Kelly Rowlands, and Teyonah Parris’s of the world for inspiration; believing my time will come and my reproductive tract will make it do what it do. Until then, I can only pray that people leave my womb and ring finger alone and acknowledge me as the full and Complete human I already am…unless you, of course, have a Black man of God for me. In that case, hook it up. Matter fact, here are some questions you can ask me and all the other beautiful singles this holiday season:

How are you doing?

Did you start that new ministry yet?

What do you hope to accomplish in the new year?

How is your business doing?

Did you end up getting that furniture you showed me for your new house?

How is that class you were telling me about?

Have you been to that new restaurant in midtown?

How’s that new CEO position going?

Is there any way I can support your non-profit this season?

Did you watch the Laguna Beach re-runs on Netflix?

And how about this one:

I’m so proud of you. I really am. It’s really good to see you.

It’s holiday time again. I’m neither pregnant nor engaged, but I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I know more is coming. I pray this blog post encourages all the other singles out there. You are not alone. This season, sip that egg nog, play those spades, talk that talk, and dead conversations you don’t want to be a part of. Be genuinely happy for others, but don’t you dare go sacrificing your peace. That’s priceless. Happiest Holidays. May you find love within, all around, and one day soon, may you find your person.

xx,

Photos by Tina Smith