Trailblazer or Protector of Peace?

Hey, y’all. Since we last spoke here, I have genuinely been struggling. This incident hit me like a ton of bricks after such a peaceful and exciting time in my life. I was already saddened about my return to NYC and to come back to this? The Cliffs Notes version is I missed a backup call. Leadership tried to punish me by making me pick up an extra crosscover shift. I said no because their “new policy” did not exist at the time of my infraction and no other resident had been retroactively punished. It’s hard enough to go through residency and learn to become a whole doctor. To be targeted at the same time? More than once? At the hands of those completely unexpected? These incidents are not so easy to forget. That’s hard. That’s been hard on me and there are so many nuances in my situation I am trying to unpack…again, while becoming a doctor.

Ever since I was a child, I have wanted to make my points and ensure my voice is heard. That is something engrained in my personality. I do not look the other way when people disrespect me. I do not people-please my way through life. Perhaps it’s because I grew up in a large household (8-9 people under one roof pretty much all the time) and I did not want my voice lost. Perhaps it’s the fact I inherited my Mom’s limited filter and my Dad’s no-nonsense grit. I have always ensured people hear me. If there is a misunderstanding, it will not be because I was not clear. When I sent my email response to the above incident?

Oh babyyyyy. I was clear. Crystal. I even resorted to the book of cuss for emphasis. Not something I recommend, but here we are. Every single time a Black woman speaks up and out about racism, discrimination, and bias, other Black folks win. The call outs bring to the forefront conditions that need to change and highlight areas for improvement. So many policy ideas and movements are built on the backs of Black women speaking up. The Me Too Movement and Tarana Burke. Black Lives Matter and Alicia Garza, Patrisse Cullors, and Opal Tometi. Anya Bazzell and (TBD). And the list goes on and on. Many even outside the Black community benefit when these movements gain traction. Our agendas always lend a helping hand to everyone. That is historical common knowledge. What is the cost of being a trailblazer, though?

More recently, I spoke to my good friend and college crony, Ashley. Or should I call her the good Prophetess Ashley because honey, she always comes through with a word. She said to me, “An, what if you hadn’t said all that? What if you had just said ‘NO. I’m not doing that. I do not give you permission to rearrange my set schedule’? You can be a trailblazer…or you can protect your peace.” Y’all that question, that statement?? Here I’ve been thinking about policy, thinking about the future, thinking about protecting other residents’ rights, thinking about the experience of future Black residents…all the while my experience has been impacting my mental health. It’s been impacting how I feel. And while I do care about all of those things (truly, I do), should I sacrifice my peace for it? Should I offer myself up as a sacrifice for it? Meanwhile those who jump on the bandwagon of my ideas get all the credit and I get no consultant fee for all the racial equity game I’m spitting. Oh yes, friends. This is a whole job. People get paid the big bucks for coming into companies, cleaning house, and providing racial bias trainings. They’re not paying residents to do that. Sooooo por que am I breaking my back?

I’m no less passionate about making conditions better for the doctors coming behind me. I have not lost that fervor.  However, when those efforts start to impact my health, it is time to reevaluate my approach. You can absolutely be a trailblazer and protect your peace at the same time, but what does that look like? As my good friend the prophetess said, you can just say NO and end the conversation. You can pick your battles and move on. Refusing to be a sacrificial lamb, refusing to be made the example is still an act of resistance. It still calls into question practices that need to change. Hearing my friend say this was like coming up for air. She rephrased something my brother said to me weeks ago. He said he would not have sent any email. He just would not have shown up for the crosscover shift in question. Period. End of story. These approaches never dawned on me because, again, I always want my voice heard. I always want to communicate my points. I always want to be clear. But what’s clearer than NO?

Y’all, I feel a bit more free. I feel freed up to prioritize my mental health and not make everything an example. I feel free to do the work, but also take a break when it gets in the way of how I feel. I feel free to release some of the weight of that work onto others who, too, can bear a portion of the load. For the rest of residency, I am going to try my hardest not to go back and forth with anyone. I don’t have to communicate everything I’m thinking. I am going to try to control my trigger email finger, which is hard because I am a talented wordsmith and a fire writer. I’m not going to argue with aggressors. I’m simply going to say “NO, I’m not doing that” and move on with my day. In a world full of yes men and people pleasers, that statement alone is revolutionary. It is extraordinary. It is trailblazing.

Black women, I know in my recent post, I told y’all to keep bucking the system. Yes, the ultimate knuck if you buck is working with likeminded individuals to develop and implement policies that usurp bias. However, I wanted to come back and let y’all know that very act can also look like:

Taking your sweet time to respond.

Saying a simple NO.

Using your paid time off.

Refusing to deal with aggressors when it’s not work-related. Allow me to pause here for a moment. Far too often, people (especially Black women) are expected to go back to business as usual when someone acts crazy toward them in the workplace. Nah. You just acted crazy. If it’s not about the patients, go ‘head on with that. Small talk for what? You do not have to entertain those who literally tried to harm you 5 seconds ago.

Taking a few moments for deep breaths.

Protecting your peace.

And when you’re ready, if you’re ready, you can get back to the more traditional sense of trailblazing. But Sis, don’t you ever feel the future of xyz is on your shoulders. It’s not. It can wait. You are a human being with feelings and your health matters. Y’all please keep me in your prayers as I am on the mend. The comeback is strong and it will be televised. Until next time.

xx,

Photos by Tina Smith