I’m not trying to start nothin. I’m just trying to see somethin😂😜In this post, I am speaking about hetero relationships because that is the experience I can speak to. It’s been brought to my attention on several accounts that a common trend among the young folks and the Aunties is to expect men to pay all the bills in a relationship. I was shocked when I found out such an arrangement was so commonly requested…in 2023, the year of our Lord and Savior. I was even more shocked to learn some men agree and even prefer it.
Did Destiny’s Child have a point after all? Should men be paying these Bills, Bills, Bills? For me, this arrangement begs several questions: What happens with all the money Sis gets to save? Are there expectations for other contributions to the household? How are these conversations broached and how exactly do you phrase, “I’m not paying for anything?” Now I’m not talking about the ladies who give up their careers to raise children; those who spend their days cooking, cleanting (Madea voice), carpooling, and the like. Let’s not get it twisted. That is absolutely WORK! Much respect. Hold it down, ladies! In the days of (not that) old, when women had even less earning potential, could not get bank accounts or mortgages or land on their own…oh yea, Playa. Foot every single one of those bills just off GP. Just for the struggle. But now?
With so many women who actually are breadwinners in the family or at least making the same or a comparable amount? I’m just supposed to take my $XXX,XXX per year and stash it? While my mans covers…everything? Or even the majority of everything? Again, this is my perspective I’m sharing here and this kind of arrangement just doesn’t seem fair to me. I admit my opinion is skewed as I grew up predominately around men: 3 brothers and almost all male cousins. EYE would not advise any of them to agree to front all the bills in a relationship. Future sis-in-laws, y’all gonna have to come out of pocket for SOMETHING! And if I were a man, my answer to this arrangement would be immediately no. As a woman, my answer to this arrangement is immediately no. Why? Well, it’s simple. I want to protect myself spiritually, emotionally, and financially. Love is love. I believe in it. I hope to experience a committed version of it one day. Still, I do acknowledge people can change. Situations can change. I’d never want to place myself in a position where someone can tell me to get out of his house. “Who house?!” Our house? Yes, there are so many ways to contribute to a household, but I personally will always contribute financially as a source of protection and pride in my home and hard work. I’ve worked so hard to be where I am and I’ve always wanted to invest in a home. I am going to take such great pride in and care of any home I have. I do want the deed and the mortgage to reflect that. I want to be and feel like a partner; like the woman of the house. For me, that feeling does come with financial obligations and responsibilities.
I know so many women are in search of the soft life. We deserve it, ladies, but honestly, the fellas do too. The soft life can come in so many shapes and forms, but y’all be careful listening to me because I’m still single. Ha! I’m not trying to be in anyone’s household, y’all. Lord knows I’m praying I’ll one day have my own with Somebody’s Son. Still, I simply wanted to share an unpopular opinion: splitting bills does not make you roommates. It makes you teammates. And to me, that’s a beautiful thing.
xx,
Photos by Tina Smith
I guess my next question would be who is doing the household work? I can share my limited experience. I’m a third year medical student and am currently going through a divorce. When I was with my husband and in med school, he paid the majority of things. I still did pay for certain things like my clothes, gas, and decorations for our house. However, it was an abusive relationship and he expected me to basically be his maid. He would make huge messes around the house and expect me to pick up after him. He would refuse to help with any household chores even when he could tell I was stressed and barely passing classes. He finally cooked his own food but wouldn’t let me eat any and would constantly complain that he had a horrible life because his wife didn’t cook for him and I was such a failure. All this is why I’m leaving him. Obviously, you’re probably talking about a healthy relationship where household chores are also split evenly. But I do see too many relationships (even ones that aren’t abusive) where the woman works and pays bills but is also expected to do all the household chores. That’s not fair either and I would almost argue in those cases, it would be fair for the man to pay for most / all the bills if he won’t contribute equally to household and emotional work in the family.
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I’m so very sorry to hear this happened!! I hope you are doing as alright as can be and on your way to much brighter days!! I completely agree. Household chores are WORK and should definitely factor in. It’s a huge consideration to make. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Go get ‘em Doc!!💪🏾❤️
I have SUCH a different take on this (as a woman who comes from a household of all women besides by dad) but thank you for sharing your perspective! I think the questions you raised are great for women to ask themselves, however, I do believe there is a way a woman contributes in many other ways besides out of pocket. Would love to chat more one day on this!
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We definitely do! In any scenario, I’d ensure housework and child rearing are appropriately shared too. As it pertains to the financial obligations, I gotta make that contribution. It’s something I’ve always wanted for myself🩷🩷
Respect this opinion. Some very valid points!
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Thanks M!🩷🩷🩷
I do believe we should be teammates and how each relationship defines that is important. Let me preface this by saying I’ve been married for 14.5 years. I’m in my mid 30s. My husband has always paid for everything. I don’t always work… when i do, i save the money i make for whatever large purchases or vacations, etc. it’s always “our money” but his checks (salary and consistent) pay for the necessities. We’re okay with it. When he retires and I work more consistently, I won’t have an issue paying for everything. I’ll be happy to.
Author
Love this!! I think it’s all about what each couple is comfy with!❤️❤️❤️